Thursday, July 14, 2011

For a split second...

How long is a second?

A minute?

An hour?

A LIFETIME?

It seemed that as quick as I was...I was not.

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On June 15th, my whole life changed in a split second.

Me, at 40 years (young)...

with a loving husband of over 26 years...

and a wonderful 23 year old son...(yes...23 years)...

It was confirmed...WE were expecting! Again!

On what was to be a "happy day", I was already emotional as that was my Dad's birthday and I miss him terribly.

In the back of my mind, for a split second, I could hear the words "When one door closes, another one opens".

My husband and I knew I was pregnant (almost 7 weeks) but hearing it and actually seeing it was overwhelming...especially after 23 years.

I never in my life would have thought I could have SO many mixed feelings all in a split second.

And oh did I!

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What was three was about to be four...

Life as I knew it was changing forever...

And what seemed like a lifetime of tears that I shed on my steering wheel in the parking lot of the doctor's office that day was only for a brief moment...

Little did I know that I was soon to learn what the difference between a split second and a lifetime really is.

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For the next month, it seemed like we spent hours of planning our new future (+1) together, chatting before falling asleep and giggling at the fact that we were going to be new parents again...after 23 years.

If any father could have the chance to be pregnant, it would have been MY husband.

Thad's blue eyes shined brightly every time someone congratulated us...and it tickled my tummy every time I saw it. He was so happy. We were so happy!

Our hearts felt young again, just like the first time since our Brett was little. But this time, without any struggles nor worries.

If anyone could love and provide for a child, WE could and in a split second, I finally accepted that no one would be more perfect than us as parents, for it was His plan.

I soon began thanking God every night for choosing US.

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Being expecting parents in our forties, we were so embraced by friends and family. Their excitement and happiness for us was overwhelming. We were bringing new life into a huge empty house and everyone was anticipating every second of it.

Imagining what our future Christmas' would be like with little pitter patter of feet, fingers pulling on the tree ornaments and in years to come, patiently waiting for Santa.

I know...all the thoughts of a whole lifetime of what was to be, was gone in a split second.

Never in my life and certainly never for a split second would I have thought that a routine check-up at the doctor's office would change my life forever. Our life. Many lives.

In a heart beat...

but without a heart beat...

What was four was now three...

Life as I knew it was changing forever...

all in a split second...again.

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And for a brief moment, there I was ... shedding tears on my steering wheel in the very same parking lot of the doctor's office once again.

For a split second, I thought I was going to die.

I had NEVER felt so alone in my life.

I had never lost something so precious that was MINE.

I never in my life would have thought I could have SO many mixed feelings all in a split second...AGAIN!

At that time, at that split second, I felt like I was the only one in the world that ever experienced a loss such as this one.

But...

I couldn't be the only one.

For it was then and there did I realize what the difference was between a split second and a lifetime is...

it is forever.

I am not the only one because for whatever reason...

I know that each and every one of you that will read this,

you carry your own split second in your heart forever.

And...now I understand.

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Many thanks to our family and friends and to those of you that we do not know but have experienced a loss in some way.

There is comfort in words.

Comfort in hugs.

Comfort in flowers.

Comfort in a simple smile.

My comfort is writing about this and sharing with you...

that I DO understand.

For a split second I was there and I will be forever.

86 comments:

Katies Rose Cottage Designs said...

Jodie ~
This is such a beautiful post ~
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby ~
Life as we know it and knew it does change in a split second ~
I will be praying for you and your husband!

hugs
Lori

Ceekay- Thinkin of Home said...

Jodie...Karen had shared with me about your pregnancy. I am so so very sorry that this sad thing happened. I know this feeling several times over. I hope that you continue to feel comfort in love and kindness...I pray that God will give you peace and restore your joy.

Dear Lillie said...

I am so very sorry, Jodie. Your post is so touching and so beautiful.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

Sweet Jodie, I am so sorry for your loss. I have tears in my eyes. I don't think anyone could have shared this is a more perfect way. I hope it helps you in the healing process. Sending you much love and gentle hugs. Linda

amy boland said...

my beautiful friend, i am lifting you & your entire family up in prayer at this very moment. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

you know that you will always hold a special place in my heart!

amy

Stephanie @ la dolce vita said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope your heart heals and that you ball find the strength you need. Hugs and prayers coming your way... xoxo

Annesphamily said...

You have written such a beautiful post. This is so emotionally charged because although I have a large phamily I will never get over the loss of our unborn daughter Rachel. Your pot really touched my heart. I want you to know that my heart goes out to you! I am very sorry for your loss and I am praying for your healing. Anne

Jo said...

My heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish there were words that could ease your pain but I know there aren't. Remember there are many people out there that care and please take the time you need to grieve.

Malisa said...

Awwww. Love you and am lifting you up with prayers!

Malisa

Geralyn Gray said...

Jodie......my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.....so sorry!!!!!

Peggy Houston, TX said...

Sweet girl, I acknowledge your loss for you and your husband. Thank you for sharing the story. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

vintage girl at heart said...

oh sweet girl you have been on on my mind so much lately....and now i know why.
i was and am thrilled for you that you had a few weeks with your sweet joy.
and i am so sorry for your loss.

this post is so wonderful told as only you can tell it.
talking about it can help so much and do wonders.
love and prayers to you three and (four in God's hands)...
lova ya girl.

Julia - "Vintage with Laces" said...

Dear Jodie, I wrote you a private e-mail some minutes ago but it just came back. Do you have a new e-mail address?
Very big hugs,
Julia

Lisa said...

Jodie,
What an emotional roller coaster you have been on! I'm so so sorry for your loss. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

trash talk said...

My sweet girl,
I don't know what to say. I'll be back.
Debbie
I love you.

Jane Jeffress Thomas said...

Love you! No words, but lots of prayers for ya'll. The one thing that is always comforting to me is knowing God won't put more on us than we can handle. You have a world of people out here cheering for ya'll. Much love!!!

The Feathered Nest said...

Dear sweet Jodie. I'm so sorry angel....I know your heart is hurting so ~ please know if I could hug you now I would. You and Thad are in my thoughts and prayers dear friend, hugs and love, Dawn

jojo said...

In a split second you have changed my life with this post. Your tears are my tears now and the ache in your heart is one I carry. Be well dear one, take time, breath deep, we are all here for you.

Leanne said...

dear, dear Jodie ... so beautifully written, I was swept up in your joy and in tears with you at the end.

I've never had a child, so I might be speaking out of place, but I think perhaps that even though you won't hold that little one in your arms, there will always be four, not three.

My heart aches for you and your family.

Much love,
Leanne

Sandy said...

Jodie,
What an incredible post....
I am so sorry for your loss....Sandy

Tina @ TinyBear said...

Dear Sweet Jodie - I´m SO sorry for you loss.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers and thoughts.
Hugs and love¨
Tina

Pink Princess said...

My dear Jodie and husband (and son), I am SO sorry for your loss. My thoughts goes out to you all.

A big comforting hug from the Netherlands, Marian

Theresa said...

Oh my precious friend, I read this last night before I went to bed... blogger wouldn't let me comment! God allowed me to pray and pray I did! I am so very sorry for your loss and yes others have lost just like you! My Daughter was one of those many years ago! She lost her third child and then she had two more:) If I could hug you right now, it would possibly hurt you! BIG SQUEEZE! I will be praying for your healing and THAT you can count on! Love you bunches! T

T's Daily Treasures said...

Dear Jodie, I think of you often and am so sorry to hear of your loss. You have such a gift for expressing yourself so beautifully through words and images. Sending hugs and blessings, Tammy

BEAR's Mom said...

I am heartbroken
I am praying for
comfort and strength
for your family
You sweet lady,
my very first friend
in bloggerland
BEAR HUGS & LOVE
~victoria~

Tarnished and Tattered said...

Jodie,
I'm heart broken for you & Thad. I'm sitting here on the bed with tears running down my face. I don't know how you do it, but you wrote the most beautiful & meaningful post ever. It will touch so many of us whose lives have changed in a split second. Please know I love you & am always here for you. Hug eachother for me since I can't do it myself.
Lisa Marie

Honey at 2805 said...

Sweet Jodie,
My heart aches for you and Thad at the loss of your child and the pain you are suffering. I pray that God will give you comfort.

Your post is so touching and beautifully written, and brought tears to my eyes. It is a poignant reminder that so much in life can happen in a split second.

Sweet Old Vintage said...

So beautifully written the words and feelngs.. Just know God has a way of taking care of everything and let it be your refuge....Sending prayers and best wishes as sunshiine will appear into your lives once again...

Linda R. said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes this morning.. I wish I could come over and give you a hug.. But you live just to darn far away.. Just know that I a praying for you!!

Hugs, Linda

Hugs, Linda

Rebecca said...

Jodie I am so sorry for your loss, such a beautiful tribute to all who have experienced their lives changed for whatever reason. But in that change or death comes life, with change comes newness. The Lord must have something very special in mind for you and your family. Rest in His love and peace for you.
Thinking and praying for you
Love
Rebecca

susie said...

My Sweetest Jodie...
My heart breaks, it takes a minute for my mind to comprehend what's on the screen, I think of my own split seconds & the CHANGES they have brought. For a split second, I'm in own my pain & then as quickly as I left, I'm back to your heartbreak. My words sound empty, nothing I can say can tell you how saddened & sorry I am for your family's loss...but in all these thoughts I can't help but smile. I picture your Daddy sitting on his own personal cloud looking down at his baby girl, wanting so badly to ease her pain. But there is a new gleam in his eye, a soft smile on his face & for the 1st time in such a long time, a beautiful baby on his knee...another Grandbaby & he will hold & protect & love this baby until you can all be together again. Maybe that was the plan, we just never know what life has in store for us. Maybe Daddy needed to go 1st so he would be there, with arms opened wide, to be able to give all his love that he has for you to this little one. In the arms of an angel...I can't think of more wonderful place to be.
Wishing I was there to simply give you a hug...
Love & Prayers coming to you usie Q

The Rambling Papercrafter said...

Jodie,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am in tears right now just reading it. I have been there. I never thought I would have a little one of my own and then one day I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I went to the doctor the next day and they did blood work and I found out that afternoon that there was no way I would keep the baby. I lost it that weekend.
I am praying for you and your loved ones during this time and know that you are not alone.

Sandi said...

Sweetie,
I am so sorry.

Claudia said...

Oh, dear Jodie. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you. Know that you are in my thoughts.

xo
Claudia

Vicki said...

My heart breaks reading this. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

My Blessed Serendipity Life said...

Jodie,
I am so sorry for your loss. No one knows why these things happen, but I believe that God chose you to love this precious little one for even the short time living within you and forever but your heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Danielle

A Cottage Muse said...

Oh dear friend I am so sorry for your loss. Big hug to you and know you and Thad are in my heart.
xo
Sandi

Lou Cinda @ Tattered Hydrangeas said...

Oh Jodie, my heart breaks for you...I have been right where you are...only I was 45...my husband was so excited too, as he has no children of his own...

I will say many prayers for you and Thad....

Lou Cinda

Robin Sanchez said...

Jodie I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have been thru this pain and my prayers are with you.
((hugs))
Robin

Sheila R said...

Jodie,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family. My prayers are with you.

Sandi said...

Oh, Jodie, I am so very sad for you, and Thad and your son. I know this loss and how very devastating it can be. Keep writing. It has been a great help to me in dealing with all my sorrows. Sending you much much love.
Sandi
VictorianGypsy

stephanie said...

My friend...

I am oh so very sorry.

I wish I could put down words that could ease your pain, but I know I can't....

Just know that I care.

The English Romantic said...

So sorry Jodie, your post really touched me, I often think of you and even more so now.
Your friends are all here for you.
Hugs, Angela.x

zandra said...

Sending you big hugs...I have had two split seconds and it IS with you forever. So, sorry.
((Hugz)),
Zandra

A Fanciful Life said...

Dear Miss Jodie,
You write so eloquently and how hard that must have been. I am so sorry for you and your family and so sad. I'm sending a big hug your way and thinking of you.

With love,
Sharon

Cherie Wilson said...

So very Sorry Jodie. Thank you for your brave post. Truely from your heart and will touch so many hearts, including mine. Praying for your days ahead for you and your husband. Wish we understood these split seconds, but somehow they are valuable. Again, thank you for sharing your heart Jodie. XOXOX

Martha's Favorites said...

Hi: I am so sorry. I too have lost children. Even now, years later, I am reminded of the loss. I am also reminded that one day, we will all be together again. Blessings and comfort to you, Martha

Anonymous said...

My sweet sweet Lil One,
I bled when you bled, I hurt when you hurt, I grieve with you, as we lost a neice/nephew and in that split second of great loss and suffering, I just can't find the words to express how so sorry and very sad I am. I'm praying for you Jodie and Thad, and Brett...and for our Lil Claire Olivia I believe she is wth Mama and Daddy and great grandparents hugging and kissing and loving her till you can hold her and all of us too! Please allow yourself to grieve....a grief and split second that will always remain part of you and in your heart. I love you Jodie and I'm so sorry this happened. I hope and pray everyday you never feel alone like that again.....I was so close yet soooo far from signal.....that haunts me daily.....you express your gref beautifully and your sharing brings much love and hope of surviving all split seconds in our lives. I love you sooooo much, your sister, Karen XOXO +++

chantal johnson said...

Oh sweet Jodie, I was checking your blog to see the updates and I am so sad for you. I too suffered the same loss before Morgan. My words seem in adequate but know that I will be praying for you and Thad. Love you tons---Chantal

Boxwood Cottage said...

Aw dear Jodie this it is so heart breaking to hear about your big loss and I send you all my sympathies! Who knows why it shouldn't be, maybe it was for the better, at least this was what I tried to tell me when I was in your situation long time ago. Sending you a mega big cyber hug from Germany
xoxo Carola

JennieB said...

Dearest Jodie, Thad & Brett - Karen first shared your exciting news with me and then your loss. Words cannot express the sadness that fell upon my heart when she told me what had happened. Please know that you are in my prayers daily as you grieve and come to terms with this split second. Please allow yourself the time to grieve and know that little Olivia Claire is happy with Jesus. Continue to write and live your life. She will become a part of who you are. And yes you will always be four...she lives on in your hearts forever! May our loving Father give you comfort in your sadness and healing in your pain.
Hugs, Jennifer B

victorian parlor II said...

Jodie,

Tears are running down my face as I read this. I am so sincerely sorry for your loss. I cannot comprehend your pain as I am unable to have children (another type of pain) so I can only imagine and offer my sincere condolences. My prayers go out to you and your husband.

Blessings,

Kim

Lisa Phillippi llelsik@aol.com said...

Jodi, I am so sorry! Words are hard to find...I wish I had the right words, or could give you a hug...I know that it must be devastating. You are such a blessing to so many...and I know that blessings will come back to you.

Sandy Navarro said...

Jodie, I'm so sorry to hear this news. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love
Sandy

June said...

I am so sorry Jodie, Thad and Brett for this loss you have had. I have no words right now to help, but I can pray.
sending hugs from here...

Jane said...

Hi Jodie,
Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm so very sorry to read about your loss. I'm thinking of you and your family.
Jane

Sue said...

Jodie,

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart just bleeds for you and your family. Hugs and prayers.

Sue E.

red.neck chic said...

I don't have the right words...

but know that I love you. And I'm hugging you even though we're miles apart... I'm so sorry Jodie.

xoxoxoxoxoxo
robelyn

{Bellamere Cottage} said...

I am so very sorry.... I wish I had the perfect words of comfort.... I lost five babies, and I truly understand the love and bond you already felt for this little one....praying for comfort for you and Thad.

xoxo
Spencer

Pam @ Frippery said...

Oh Jodie, I haven't stopped by because I figured you were too busy with your new news to blog. I am soooo sorry. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and some comfort. There is a reason in life for everything and for some reason you and Thad were chosen to carry this life for a few precious weeks. We don't know why things happen that cause sorrow but we must trust that God knows. Love and prayers and a great big hug. Love, Pam

Jeannine said...

My Special Friend Jodie, It still breaks my heart to think about you and Thad's loss of that special little gift. The Good Lord knows my heart was crushed when you told me the news. I too had plans of holding and loving little LeJeune and not just once or twice but for a lifetime. Thank God for friends and family and just remember that God must have felt that He needed that special little baby to stay in heaven with Him (that was a very special baby, a perfect baby). One day we will all meet that baby and our smiles and excitement will not be for just a split second but forever. We will probally find little LeJeune in the arms of Jesus and Mary and at that time we will be just as excited as the first time we heard the news of your special gift.
I love you and please know that you and Thad are in my prayers. Every time you see a baby, smile, and remember that your little gift is waiting for you in heaven. All my love, Jeannine

Miss Sandy said...

Jodie,

My heart is weeping for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh My Sweet Jodie, this is so beautifully sad! You and Thad are in my thoughts and prayers, and your little peanut is hovering above as your guardian angel! Peace and grace to you my friend!

Julie B.

Linda said...

Dear Jodie,
I hadn't been visiting here in a while because for a while, I didn't see any new posts, and then today I came here and read this one. This beautifully-written and so very sad entry that I can fully relate to on a most personal level.

I'm so so sorry this happened! There are no words, but only understanding, love and prayers.
Linda ♥

Hope said...

Dear Jodie~
I can't put the right words down...but I will try. I am so sorry for your families loss. I am sorry my comment comes long after you posted but I just heard the sad news. You are in my prayers....sometimes those split seconds are for a reason....a reason we may never know.
Hugs~Hope

Debbie Demmers-Lujan said...

I, too, just read your blog and am so sorry for your loss. Your blog entry was beautiful and, Jodie, thank you for your honesty and I will keep you in my prayers, both you and your family....debbie

Erica said...

This is such a beautiful post ~
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Blessings and comfort to you, Martha.

affordable medical insurance

MiMi's Studio said...

Dear Jodie-
This is the first time I happened across your blog. I, too, am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God would comfort you and your hubby's (and son's) aching hearts. God loves you and has a plan and purpose for your life (Jeremiah 29:11). We don't always understand these "split seconds." But I pray that He will help you do get through this difficult time and give you His peace that passes all understanding. Your beautiful baby is waiting in heaven for you and will be reunited with you one day. I know that doesn't necessarily sound comforting at this time, but I myself find comfort in knowing my own babies will be reunited with me and my family one day. Please know that many people are praying for you, even those (like myself) that don't know you. Your blog entry has touched many people; thank you for sharing your heart with others. May God bless you richly.

Foam ear plugs said...

Jodie, I am so sad for your loss. I have tears in my eyes. I don't think anyone could have shared this is a more perfect way. I hope it helps you in the healing process.

Gorillabites said...

Gentle Jodie, this is the first time I've visited your blog (I followed the link from my mother's blog). Tears are streaming down my face. I am 35 and have a 1 year old. I was told by 3 different doctors between 18-32 years that I would never get pregnant. I am so greatful for God's will, and trust Him completely. Please find comfort, from Him, from your parter and child, family, friends, and strangers. Your words are beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a sacred, and precious moment with us. My God's love and strength be with you, always.

Shabby Vintage Junk said...

Jodie Love I'm so sorry for your loss....Your words were heart WRENCHING & I so far away, never having wanted children myself, felt your pain....

I hope you are recovering & managing to find the good in those two split seconds that turned your lives inside out....!

Warmest hugs from Australia,
Tamarah xx

Bernadette said...

Dear Jodie, I am so sorry for your loss. Take time to grieve and share your loss. I will be thinking of you.
I met you only once. We were in Savannah and you gave me a beautiful coaster in a quilted case. I use that coaster on my craft table. When I looked in the pocket today I saw your blog address and thought I would checkup on you. I am glad I did.
Peace to you and your family.
Bernadette

Cindy said...

Your post is beautiful and very touching. My prayers are with you and your family. God Bless.

Decorating Lady's Humble Abode said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know first hand how you feel. WE lost a set of twins when I was 5 months along many years ago and it still bothers me. Sending prayers your way. Decor. Lady

Jennifer said...

I so understand what could be and then is gone... things just not the same but they will be ok. May God hold you in His hands, friends know just what to say or how to be good listeners when you need an ear...with love and blessings, Jenn

Theresa said...

Just stopping by to say "I LOVE you"! HUGS! T

Lesley V. said...

My heart is breaking for you and your family after reading this post but rejoicing that I have found you.

Many thoughts and prayers being sent your way.

Lesley V.

Cassy said...

My prayers be with your and your family.

Cass from Electric Bass Guitar

safety eyewash stations said...

Your post is beautiful and very touching. My prayers are with you and your family. I will submit your prayer in our church on this Sunday.

Cami @ Creating Myself said...

"I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it. And I don't know what else to say. :(

I was very, very moved by your post Jodie. I've had my own split second but it has a happy ending, thank God. May God's warmth & love comfort you during this tragic time.

Do you love him Loretta said...

I wish I could send you comfort. I'm bleery eyed typing this.

Thespoena McLaughlin said...

I know I am just now finding this but I wanted to express my sorrow at your loss. I know first hand how difficult it is to visit the doctor and not hear the beat that your waiting for. I so hope you are doing well and want to extend a hug to you. From one mother to another. Much love.

Suzann said...

Jodi,
I am so sorry to read this blog today.
I know how you feel because in 1993 I was 5 months pregnant and went to the Dr for a checkup and they could not find the baby heartbeat. I won't go into my story but my split second will always be on my mind.
May you find comfort and come back to blogging when you are ready.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Suzann ~xoxo~

Venus Blues Hideaway said...

Jodie,
I do not know you but have kept up with your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your story is beautiful and touching. May God watch over you and your family and help you through this troubling time. Thank you for sharing your story, it was beautiful and tragic. So sorry for your loss.

Faye

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Jodie,

I do not know how I missed this post, had not visited for a while as I did not see any new posts and thought life was busy for you.
I want to say how very sorry, I am, ... sorry seems so inadequate.
I am crying dear friend for your loss and feel so sad.
Just want to send my love and hugs and know that you, Thad and Brett will be in my thoughts and prayers and may you find comfort, knowing that others care.
You were so kind helping me out when my Father died, and will always remember the support and love you shared. You are a true blessing and friend to so many, thank you dear friend.

Hugs
Carolyn

Michelle Palmer said...

You're a treasure~
Sharing warm thoughts and prayers with you and your family~